Most of us crave stability because it represents safety. When people and circumstances around us are unchangeable, we can predict everything and know what to expect from tomorrow.
But change is a part of progress. No one avoids it, even in the case of resistance. Is it the same for the positive change, too? Yes. That’s why we try to remain in stasis for so long. We aren’t sure who we are after the change, and might feel guilty for trying to. Will everyone accept our change? Will it hurt someone? These fears stop us from growing and shedding the old skin.
Transformation is a natural part of our mental and emotional progress, and we shouldn’t apologize. How do we get used to it, though, and can we uncover our new paths without leaving people behind? We have the answers — keep an open mind and dive right in.
Why Your Change Scares Others
People around you might not be as supportive as you’d like. Some of them can make passive-aggressive comments that seem to hurt more, while others can be straight-out sad or rude about the first steps you’ll take. Let’s not be too harsh on them. Have you noticed that you do the same thing if someone’s behavior is a bit odd, if you don’t expect them to act in a way they do? That doesn’t mean your — or their — initial response is cruel. Others are uncomfortable for many reasons when you finally change into who you want to be.
- They don’t know if they will be enough. Comparison is a thief of joy. The moment you start to transform and become a different person, other people might think that they aren’t good enough. Do you know that moment when your friend starts jogging and you start wondering whether you should too? It’s just how we connect ourselves to others.
- They are comfortable with the current you. You, as you are now, can be completely enough for them. In some cases, it can have a toxic factor behind it, especially if you have been indulging in the same type of behavior that they do (i.e., alcohol drinking or gossiping). In other cases, they don’t want you to change anything about yourself because they see you as perfect already.
- They had something to benefit from it. Unfortunately, sometimes, our lack of boundaries or harmful behaviors are simply useful. If you tend to be a people pleaser, some might feel as if you’re no longer doing what they want you to.
What really matters is being transparent about why you change, whether you’re implementing transformation to fix your ADHD sleep difficulties, have a new exercising routine, or decrease social anxiety.
No More Apologizing — Tools to Finally Change
Let’s not allow the worries about what others might think affect your desire to grow. Keep the momentum going; here are the strategies you can adapt to make your change smoother.
Actively Use Cognitive Reframing
Cognitive reframing is one of the most practical and scientifically proven strategies that relies on the principles of cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT). It can help you fight the feeling of guilt as you go through the transformations you planned. Reframing lets you pluck the unpleasant and unproductive thoughts out of your head and examine them thoroughly before finding a more objective view.
The key goal of cognitive reframing is to identify the thought, evaluate if it’s valid, and find a more empathetic and realistic version. For example, instead of thinking, “It’s selfish of me to change,” you can turn it into, “I am changing because I need it, and caring for myself isn’t selfish. I am responsible for protecting and improving myself. This is totally OK.”
Learn to Set Boundaries
Although many of us are afraid of setting boundaries, it can be a great way to be kind while still protecting our values. Others might pressure you to stay the same, but you can write down a few responses that set boundaries for you. This can give you a small verbal toolkit and also encourage you to be more assertive as a rule.
For instance:
“I know this feels sudden to you, but it’s been a deep process for me.”
“I am doing this because I need to grow. I hope you will understand me, but if not, it’s fine.”
“I care about you, and I hope we can change together.”
Allow Yourself to Be a New You
We may create barriers to growth and improvement in our minds, which can stop us from taking the next steps. Mentally, we think that we shouldn’t change because someone might take offense, it can cause conflicts, or others will consider us selfish. By making verbal declarations and allowing yourself to be someone new, you empower your mind to push ahead.
As you focus on the change, say to yourself, “I allow myself to adopt and act by these new values. I am excited to become a better version of myself.”
Or you can write down such a permission on a paper slip:
“I allow myself to be different. I allow myself to try and fail. I don’t have to explain to others why.”
Practice Self-Compassion
In our attempt to keep others happy, we abandon being self-compassionate to ourselves. But when we do that, it can create a buffer between your change and a fear of judgment. Imagine your friend wants to change and find a better version of themselves. They are nervous that you won’t support them. Picture yourself as that friend — you can even put a chair in front of you. Tell yourself why you are proud of your desire to move forward, telling why it’s vital to be patient with yourself. Aloud, say that you are trying and confident in your success. Even though that “other” you is invisible, this practice will teach you how to give yourself some grace.
Get Excited About the Change
Don’t look behind you as you undergo the transformation; think about what is waiting ahead. Those who love and respect you will be excited about the new, happier version of you. Just give yourself the courage to take the first step.
